Sometimes the memories come unbidden to people of a small moment of change; the sort of moment you wouldn’t really look at twice. It could have been the morning when everything seemed normal and you were simply facing your cold coffee; that’s the moment when you feel a little bit disconnected from your life, and you don’t understand why that is the case. Or it might have been the last words in a conversation that left you with that strange feeling of emptiness. It could also have been that quiet moment of a deep sleepless night that seemed to echo louder than any real sound. That’s the time when you get that little voice inside you saying that your story isn’t supposed to look like this. That little voice is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is the starting point. Really, the journey in life that leads to your best self doesn’t begin with a great strategy or a complete and perfect change of everything you thought to understand. It all starts with just one choice – a decision to change.
The truth is, this one decision is so much more powerful than people usually think. It doesn’t have to be loud or formal. It doesn’t mean your whole family and the TV news reporters must be there. And it doesn’t require that you make a big splash on the announcement front. The only thing that it takes is a true and complete commitment to the changes that are being brought about. A decision like this is not in any way related to the sort of resolution we make due to some sudden burst of excitement that is gone within a week. Nor is it just a temporary high that will be over as quickly as it was on. The real decision to change comes from the heart after you have completely and honestly faced with a life that you are living and a life you are sure that you are able for. This is basically a very noble and deep recognition of one&;s own self and it is the starting line after which came all great changes in history.
The challenge with change is not usually the absence of desire. Most of the people that get stuck living unfulfilling lives actually want something different. They want to be healthier, have better relationships, do more meaningful work and be more at ease with themselves. It’s rarely the want that’s the obstacle. The problem is that change means getting rid of the known and stepping into the unknown and the brain that has evolved to avoid movement in this direction is simply not made for this. Our brains are surprisingly good at turning the uncomfortable into familiar, and That’s why, the unsafe turns into a safe place just because it’s familiar. The job that drains you. The habit that holds you back. The person that you are with makes you feel like a lesser person. All are safer, no matter how good the alternative may be. Recognizing this fact about yourself is not a reason for procrastination. On the contrary, it’s the key to the gate. Because of understanding why change is so hard, you no longer see yourself resisting as proof of your inability to change but instead you recognize it as the response of being human to the courageous act.
The decision to change also compels us to confront one of the most uncomfortable truths we will ever have to face: that we are responsible for our own lives. Not entirely. Nobody exists in a vacuum and circumstances, systems and luck are part of every human story. But we have more agency than we often use in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. That agency is claimed in the moment we really decide to change. We stop waiting for someone to save us, stop looking for permission, stop letting the actions or inactions of others determine the shape of our days. It’s not a pleasant realization. To own your life is to own your choices, including the ones that got you to where you are trying to get away from. But it is also one of the most liberating realizations that can come to a human being. It means you already have the power to write a different story.
Things change not overnight. One of the things that you must learn very well before you go down these different kinds of roads is that changes happen in very small, modest steps which are not very exciting but when these steps start to pile upon each other, in time, something big and amazing comes out of it. Someone who becomes healthier doesn’t start from doing a bunch of workouts, instead, he/she gradually, for a few times a week picks over a period of months and even years, the option between either going outside for a walk or sitting inside, and between eating healthy and eating junky food. Redefining career isn’t a giant jump in a single bold move. It is through acquiring one skill, having one meeting, taking one step at a time in small risk-taking. Someone who gets over their relationships doesn’t do it in one conversation, they are the ones who are doing it by changing their behavior little by little until the new ways become the old ones. Change isn’t something that happens at once. It’s a way of life, and making a change is simply taking the decision to go ahead with this lifestyle and to always return to it without giving up, even on the days after you failed badly!
To not succeed is to fail. This is perhaps the primary difference between those who transform their lives and those who remain unchanged for years to come. Every person who has ever experienced a major life transformation has gone through a series of failures, regression periods, times when they have felt very discouraging, etc. The distinguishing feature of the one who endures and the one who surrenders is not the difficulty – it is the story the person spins about what the struggle signifies to him/her. Believing a stumbling block means you do change, you will be discouraged and stop. If your story is that failure is actually and quite commonly a part of the process, you are going to carry on. You may think that what you’ve done will only matter as evidence of what you were capable of at a low point in your life when your mind was not completely open to the world. The story that you relate yourself is one of the most compelling parts of your life, and Because of this, your decision to tell your story in a compassionate and persistent way or in a judgmental and defeated one is one of the greatest commitments that you will be making ever in your life.
The influence of the people in your life will manifest itself in tons of ways – some quite noticeable, while there is likely a large number that are more subtle. It is inevitable that some of the relationships that you already have, Mainly the closer and deeper ones, will feel some strain or will even break completely when change is initiated. There are definitely a few people around you that will be very happy with your transformation, but maybe the number is very small, the rest of the people may be confused about the changes you are going through or even be in rebellion against them. This happens, in my opinion, because your openness to change reflects Really you have a good life and you’re happy with it. Because of this, it is like a reflection of their own refusal to move forward. It might be uncomfortable for them to stare at this type of a mirror that reveals their own lack of progress and their fear of change. It is surely time then, even a bit earlier than you thought, that you re-reflect on the people closest to you. It could mean that you start limiting your time and attention. Perhaps you need to filter the people that come with the baggage of negative messages to you. The main thing is that you know whose words, behaviors and presence really help your development and that these are the people you will prioritize. Besides being a social occasion and a place where you can share your story or learn others’, the community of such groups of people also gives you something else – mutual support and encouragement, accountability, and different perspectives. It is an additional support system that can help you to get through the hard parts of any worthwhile venture with the motivation intact or rekindled.
And then the real issue – how to make a better life from your own perspective, what you need from your life. The road to a better life must be your own and not someone else’s idealized version of a destination. In times of images of what a successful beautiful wealthy, and accomplished person is, it is easy for you, just to follow that and chase a life that was, in fact, always someone else’s dream! But before you go all in with your effort and your focus on the hard work that brings change, you need to also be prepared for the equally hard work of sitting alone, not being distracted, and asking yourself what you really want. Not the kind of want you are supposed to have, not the wants of the people around you, or not the picture of an ideal life that social media shows us. A better life may be more freedom, more creativity, more connection, more peace, more purpose, just more mornings at least when you wake up and be content. Whichever interpretation you choose, it’s a good idea to state it for what you understand because when the road is getting rough and your progress is invisible, it is the clarity of your goal that helps you to stay oriented.
You also have to learn to be okay with who you were in the past, since letting go involves a kind of grief you probably haven’t heard about much. It means acknowledging the loss of who you were, recognizing and understanding the routines and lifestyle habits that accompanied that version of you, and even the identity that has now changed and no longer serves you. Hating your old self won’t help you move on. That person who you were in the past did the best under the circumstances at hand, given their level of knowledge at that time. Staying stuck in the bitterness of who you were before is a burden that will hold you back as a hindrance to the new journey you wish to undertake. Recognise your past, gain insights from it, and then be kind to yourself, and also show that your old self is still a part of you for your development, the same way you would do with your friend. Remember that showing self-compassion does not equate to self-indulgence. Rather, it is the fuel with feelings that enable enduring change to take place.
The most beautiful truth about the journey to a better life is that it compounds. Every little change you make is the set up for the next change to happen. The discipline you develop with one habit strengthens the discipline available for the next. When you follow through on one commitment to yourself, the next commitment doesn’t seem as daunting. The clarity from the last honest choice you make about your life makes the next honest choice you make about your life easier. When it really gets going, change takes on a life of its own — slow at first, invisible often, but unmistakable over time. The person you will be twelve months from now if you start today will look back on this moment with a gratitude so deep it may surprise you. But that person only exists if you want to. No, not to-morrow. Not when the conditions are better. Not when you are more prepared Now. The path to a better life starts with one decision to change, and that decision is available to you in this very moment.
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